With the beginning of the end in sight many a man throughout the known universe will be breathing a huge sigh of relief. Finally..Twilight.. is over! Although we are not quite there yet the glorious time beyond time when no one talks about loved up horny teenage-angst ridden vampires is soon to come upon us!
It is time then to batten down the hatches, re-enforce the gates and man every wall as we are dragged along this weekend to ‘the wedding of the century’ (Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1). As one who has no choice I feel the pain of all of you men out there in the cinemas this weekend and therefore to soften the blow would like to give you a run down of the story so far. This way at least you look and sound interested, even though in your mind you would rather be listening to Susan Boyle collaborate with Jedward!
Twilight for Dummies
Book/Film 1. Twilight
Meet Bella. Bella moves to crappy, rainy town where her father lives. Meets Edward Cullen (handsome vamp with constant expression of pain that can only be caused by centuries of teenage angst). Notices he is different. Cue convenient incidents showing Ed’s vamp powers & heroic nature. Bella meets Jacob (see below). Finds out Ed is a vamp. Meets the family of Vamps. Meets some not so nice vamps who then want to kill her. Bad ones come after her. Good ones come to the rescue. Bella wants to be with Edward forever. Wants to be a vamp. Ed says no. Kiss Kiss. Role Credits
Jacob – Bella’s dad’s friend’s son. Fancies Bella but due to his puny 12 yr old girls body and horrible long hair he has no chance compared with smouldering and constantly pained Edward. Not a big deal in this film but is important in the long run.
Book / Film 2. Twilight: New Moon
Bella & Ed together. Ed conveniently explains about vamp aristocracy – Volturi, and the dos and don’ts of vamp life. Bella & Ed split up as Ed fears for Bella’s safety. Bella devastated. Jacob (now 6 ft and built like a tank) is her friend to lean on. Oh and also turns into a wolf when he wants to. Uses this to try and grab a kiss. Ed meanwhile is pained (even more than usual). Ed’s vamp sister who can see the future sees Bella’s death. Ed spirals into depression and threatens to show himself as a vamp publicly. Breaking the only law that the Volturi uphold. As he is about to do so Bella (who has heard about this) stops him. in Italy somewhere. They get back together. Kiss Kiss. Role Credits
Book / Film 3. Twilight: Eclipse
Bella & Ed together. Bad vamp Victoria from the first film wreaking havoc in nearby towns. Now has her own army of bad teenage vamps. Jacob is pissed that Bella chose Ed. Plus wolves hate vamps anyway. Bella loves Jacob. Bella loves Ed. Who will she finally choose. Tension high between wolves and vamps. Bella still wants to be vamp. Ed still not keen. Victoria (nasty vamp) still wants Ed dead for killing her mate in first film. Bad vamp army attacks. Wolves and vamps collaborate to defeat them. Bella still not chosen. But no she has. Ed is the one. She will become a vamp. OMG…. they are going to get married! Kiss Kiss. Role Credits
Book 4 / Film 4 & 5. Twilight: Breaking Dawn
So….Like….OMG… they are so totally going to get married. Oh and heads up. The consummation is a bed breaking affair. Plus they don’t use protection. Ooops. She is preggers. But wait… a half vamp child that needs blood is living inside a human blood filled body. Ouch for Bella. Will she die. Who knows? Well lets be honest. We all know she won’t die! Jacob still moody! What will happen…. well just in case you fall asleep… she ends up with Ed by the end of part 2.
Comments to make that make you sound interested:
‘I cannot believe that after all Jacob did for her Bella still chose Ed’
‘Ed is so heroic and his attitude of living on his emotions and being so open is so attractive’
‘Jacob is so much hotter now, why bother with moody Ed’
‘I am so worried about what will happen with the baby… how does that even work with humans and vampires?’
‘I feel so sorry for Jacob, what more can he do for Bella, what a nice guy’